Guess Who's Back?
by Fanfic Authors' Fanfic Author
Summary: Guess who's back? Back again! Dark Lord's back! Tell a Friend! Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, danana!I've replaced chapter seven - no more weird symbols!
1. Meeting 1

The Boy Who Tediously Continues To Live looked at his companions across the table. Ron and Hermione were there, of course, with their usual following of Ex-Hogwarts students, Professor Dumbledore with the teaching staff, Fred and George Weasley with some *business partners*, Moody with some old Aurors, Rita Skeeter with her band of intrepid reporters, quills poised, and Cornelius Fudge, looking confused.  
  
Harry Potter sighed and stood up. This was beginning to get repetitive. "Okay, everyone," he said, "You all know why we are here, and why I have formed this elite anti-Voldemort league. For the past twelve years, every year, Voldemort has returned, and every year, I have by some monumental coincidence managed to not get killed in a manner which caused him to die. Starting to see a pattern here? The one exception being my fifth year at Hogwarts, in which I merely escaped death once more. Fortunately He sat on a Knarl in the summer holidays and was once again reduced to the ghost-like non-death status that is becoming so familiar."  
  
"Get to your point," growled Moody, who was grumpy because his eye had been malfunctioning.  
  
"I'm getting there. So, anyway, every year since then he has found a new way of returning, and we have found a new way of not-quite-killing him. Here is Hermione, our Book master, with all the facts."  
  
Hermione stood up. Her efforts at finding Voldemort-related information had resulted in her wearing thick horn-rimmed librarian glasses because the eye- vision spell kept wearing off. She waved her wand and a blackboard appeared behind her. A chalk jumped up and started writing as she spoke. "Right, now what we have here is a full list of everything Voldemort has done to come back so far and all our countermeasures. Year One: Harry's first year at school. Voldemort possessed our DADA teacher in hope of obtaining the philosophers stone. Harry defeated him using the Mirror of Erised and escaped death because Quirrel (that is, Voldemort) could not touch him. Year Two: Not really Voldemort, but rather a past version of himself (Tom Riddle) attempted to get at Harry through an old diary, Ron's little sister and the Chamber of Secrets. Harry defeated him once more with the Sword of Godric Gryffindor, Fawkes the Phoenix and a Basilisk tooth. Year Three: once again not dealing with Voldemort directly, but rather his servant Peter Pettigrew, alias Wormtail, who framed Sirius Black for a few murders but had an alibi, specifically being dead, Harry and Sirius were almost killed by Dementors but were saved in an incident involving a time-turner, an invisibility cloak, the Whomping Willow and an escaped Hippogriff. Year Four: Voldemort returns using an ancient spell requiring Harry's blood, which he obtained by interfering with the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric was killed but Harry escaped thanks to the phoenix feather in his wand and his dead parents. Year Five: Voldemort attempted to make Harry obtain a prophecy about them both, this resulted in a fight between six Hogwarts students, ten Death Eaters and five Aurors; in the ensuing confusion the prophecy was smashed. Harry was again saved from certain death by Dumbledore and some moving statues. Year Six: Voldemort's followers attempt to resurrect his mangled corpse using forbidden magic but stuffed it up like the bumbling idiots they are so that he had a strange compulsion for dancing. He still, however, managed to corner Harry and Dudley in a Muggle amusement park where he had had a cover as Waldo The Ever-Dancing. As he was about to use the Avada Kedavra curse a Muggle policeman attempted to arrest him for Causing A Disturbance Of The Peace and in the struggle He was blown up by an over-zealous constable. Year Seven: His followers called up his ghost and used a Solidifying Spell on it, fortunately before he could wreak too much havoc Ron had the bright idea of using the Finite Incantatem spell which turned him back into a ghost. Year Eight: Voldemort haunted Harry until Professor Trelawny exorcised him. Year Nine: Voldemort's shattered spirit occupied a few million snakes all over the world, he managed to group them together in a n attempt to over-run Hogwarts with so one would bite Harry, Neville's failed Elixir Draught turned out to be a snake poison and we were saved once more. Year Ten: A sort-of repeat of year four, only they didn't use Harry for the spell, Voldemort got a make-shift body back but it turned out to have a free- wheeling temporal gland so he kept swinging from baby Tommy to the old man Tom Riddle would have become if he hadn't started his search for immortality. Professor Dumbledore managed to trap him in his baby state and put him in a Muggle orphanage. Year Eleven: The Death Eaters broke into the orphanage and liberated the Dark Lord Baby, they somehow changed Dumbledore's spell so he was an old man, where-upon he made himself all-new body parts one by one except for his wand hand, because he needed all his power to do it and couldn't use his other hand. This was his downfall as his arthritis caused the death-curse aimed at Harry to back-fire AGAIN with the same results as the first time it happened. Year Twelve: He attempted to posses Harry but failed because True Love intervened as that was when Harry married Ginny."  
  
Hermione took a deep breath and looked around. Everyone was staring with their mouths open as she had said all that in one breath. There was a snore from the general direction of the Hogwarts staff, where Professor Battye (the new DADA teacher - all the others had been scared off after a year, except Miss Jones, who died a horrible death) had fallen asleep. Rita Skeeters journalists scribbled furiously as they attempted to copy off the board everything Hermione had said so fast they missed it.  
  
Hermione sniffed. "I don't know, try to get some facts across.. as I was saying-" "SNOOOOOOOOOOOHRT.. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee." Hermione threw her hands up in the air. "Oh good grief! ....Would somebody wake up Mr. Battye please? Thank you. If we may continue? Right. Well, I've been studying all the books about the Undead and-"  
  
"What? He isn't undead!!" Exclaimed Neville, who had grown a lot and actually become a competent wizard.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well, if you kill him, he turns up again next year. I can't think of a better word for that than 'undead'."  
  
"Except possibly 'nuisance'," Ron cut in.  
  
A/N: The only reason I stopped here is my fingers got tired. More later.' 


	2. Who could it be?

"ANYWAY," continued Hermione, "We think that we ought to try burning him or putting a stake through his heart ..if we can find it.. and maybe cut his head off for good measure. Getting rid of all the death eaters would probably help too."  
  
"Well, then what are we waiting for?" Moody growled to a chorus of agreement from the rest of the Aurors.  
  
"It's not that simple," cautoned Harry, standing up again, "we have to plan this.. now, the Weasley twins are sorting out our financial backers and business connections.. but we must find out exactly how he is going to return this year."  
  
Professor Dumbledore stood up. "Ah, we have reason to believe that he is planning on possessing someone else to the point where they turn into him. We are currently researching who the most likely candidate is."  
  
Everyone looked around nervously.. they all knew that within this room sat powerful wizards AND people close to Harry Potter.. so.. it was most likely to be SOMEONE IN THIS VERY ROOM!!!!  
  
A/N: well, sorry.. not much in this one but.. the story must move and it was a good place for an ending.. 


	3. Moving right along

"Okay," Harry said, standing up, "It's been a month - what have we got to report?"  
  
"Ahem." Everyone turned to look at Lupin, who had cleared his throat. "I have been looking through the books in the library, as well as Professor Snape's personal Dark Arts collection, and with the help of Hermione, I believe I have found a charm which, although allowing Voldemort to return, will cause him to be bound to a specific form of expression. For instance if we bind him to silence, he will only be able to use those spells that do not require words. Unfortunately the only version of the charm we could dig up will bind him to music, so..."  
  
"Yes," Hermione interrupted, "And we think we have found out where he is coming back - and I was right about the undead thing! His followers have been robbing graveyards to make him a body!"  
  
Ron looked queasy.  
  
"So it'll be some sort of Frankenstein-monster-Voldemort?" Harry asked. "With stitches in his neck and stuff?"  
  
Ron turned green.  
  
"Yes, and apparently Wormtail is doing the sewing, so you can expect legs falling off and stuff like that."  
  
Ron gulped and ran for the window.  
  
"So, what we have to do is have someone creep up to the body and put a spell on it - I mean we could just destroy it but then they'd only make another one, and by the time it's too late for another one they'll have put the usual anti-destruction spells on it. No, we have to kill him when he's here, otherwise we'll just be delaying the inevitable. We have to get him to deal with us on OUR terms. We must be in control of the situation. Now, I think, since Harry has shown certain ...talent... for defeating Voldemort, he should be the one who actually applies the spell. There is a potion that goes with this charm, and we need some ingredients. I'm putting Ron in charge of collecting them. There's rather a lot, so while we're at it we may as well put the spell on all his death eaters too. Is that okay Ron?"  
  
"Hurk!"  
  
"Good. For starters, you need a hair from a unicorns tail, a basilisk scale, a three Nork eggs, two gallons of cow liver, a pound of Knarl spikes, five..." 


	4. It's a WHAT?

The Fifty-Third Meeting was about to begin. Everyone was hanging around looking bored, except Rita Skeeter who looked annoyed because Hermione had once again black-mailed her into not publishing anything, at least until the plan had been put into action.  
  
*Hermione's imagination* Wormtail: Mr. Malfoy sir! Look what's in the Daily Prophet! They're planning to put a musical charm on the Master! Malfoy: Aha! Now we have them! *evil laughter*  
*End of Hermione's imagination*  
  
Ron had not, as yet, turned up, but when he did he would have the final ingredients and they could finally begin the plan. When he did. If he did. Oh why oh why had she given RON this job? Why couldn't one of the Auror's have done it! What if he's been killed!  
  
She was, however, prevented from following this line of thought further by the arrival of Ron, who fell through the door onto Neville. Nothing like a collapsing wizard to thoroughly derail your train of thought.  
  
"I" He wheezed. "I... got... the... Manticore... claw... but... it's... outside... and it's not happy. It chased me all the way here!" 


	5. Volunteers?

Everyone stared at Ron.  
  
"Excuse me," Harry asked incredulously, "there's a WHAT outside?!"  
  
"A Manticore," Ron said, getting his breath back, "I was fine with the Unicorn tail, got it off Ollivander, and the Basilisk scale was just sort of lying around in the Chamber of Secrets, and Fred and George helped me buy the other stuff, but nobody seemed to have a Manticore claw. I can see why, they're big vicious buggers aren't they?"  
  
Everyone surreptitiously edged away from the door, except for Professor Battye who was snoring again. The reason he had lasted so long as a DADA teacher was his tendency to sleep through all the really exciting and dangerous events, e.g. when Malfoy attempted to curse Hermione and Ron stuck him to the ceiling with a misplaced Wingardium Leviosa, and Malfoy attempted to shoot curses at people at random from there.  
  
"Not to worry!" Ludo Bagman, who had been sitting quietly near the twins, exclaimed. "I myself have done some Manticore baiting in my time... I'll get it!"  
  
With that he jumped out of the window, pulling out his wand. Everyone rushed to the window and peered down to the street outside, which fortunately contained no Muggles.  
  
"Well," Dumbledore sighed, "It appears our Mr. Bagman has landed on top of the Manticore and is now attempting to stun it. If he had really practiced the rather cruel and dangerous sport of Manticore baiting he would know that they are impervious to stunning spells and must be distracted with a certain flower which grows in its natural habitat." Everyone winced. "Ah, I see he is being repeatedly bashed against a nearby tree. Any volunteers to go and rescue him?  
  
A/N: Thanks 4 the review blackbeltchick06, have I like missed anyone else's review or is it just that peeps aren't reviewing? 


	6. Ignore the weird symbols

Rowlingfan1 - sorry! blackbeltchick06 - thanks again! More randomness coming up! Actually if you want REALLY random stuff try Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher!  
  
Snape rolled his eyes and produced an orange flower. 'Well I was *going* to use this for a Forgetting Potion, but as Bagman is currently unfortunately necessary to the project, I shall have to overcome my natural good- heartedness and help out.' With this he disapparated.  
  
There was some general confusion and mumbling to the background of Bagman's screams and the roar of the enraged Manticore.  
  
'Did anyone get that?' Harry puzzled.  
  
The noise from the street below abruptly disappeared, and Snape levitated through the window dragging an unconscious Bagman, who he promptly dropped on the floor.  
  
'Oh dear,' he said sarcastically, 'He appears to be unconscious. Shall we continue with the meeting?'  
  
*******************  
  
The potion was ready. Harry had it in a bottle, which was disappointingly small, hanging from his belt. All he would have to do was apparate above the Death Eaters just as they were bringing Voldemort to life; lob the bottle into the middle of the room, say the words and run like hell. Simple really.  
  
It is an acclaimed tradition, when bringing back the dead, to do it at midnight exactly. The Death Eaters, however, had calculated that the best time would be at 3:23 in the afternoon, for no readily apparent reason, and it was now 3:17.  
  
'Okay Harry, you can do this!'  
  
'Oh, no you can't!' A hand grabbed his shoulder. A shiny, magical hand. It was Wormtail. This would be a good time for readers to remember that Harry has grown up and is now much taller and stronger than Wormtail.  
  
Harry twisted out of Peter Pettigrew's grasp and punched him in the nose, making a satisfying *crunch* noise. He then legged it out the door of the empty shop he was hiding in, up an alley and straight into the arms of Draco Malfoy. 


	7. Malfoy and Potter, the final showdown!

The Potter/Malfoy Final Anti-Showdown... mwahahaha, muahahaha, muahahaha!  
  
******************************************  
  
That old familiar slouch. That old familiar blond hair, now cropped short and sticking up over his forehead so he didn't look so much like a girl. He was wearing a dramatic looking flowing black cloak over totally black muggle clothing - jeans and a shirt. That old familiar sneer... well, not quite. Malfoy was smiling a strangely whimsical smile, and the look in his eye as he looked at Harry was almost - longing?  
  
(A/N: No you dirty-minded *beep*s this is not slash or even suggestion as you will see if you scroll down a bit. If you *don`t* see, you are not intelligent enough to be reading this fanfic!)  
  
`Going somewhere, Potter?` That old familiar drawl. Harry had hoped he would never have to hear it again when Malfoy had left the school half-way through seventh year to become a Death Eater. Unfortunately this was not so.  
  
`Get out of my way, Malfoy.`  
  
`Do I look as though I have ANY intention of doing that?`  
  
`What is this, Return of the Slimy Git?`  
  
`Ooh, witty, Potter, real witty.`  
  
`Don`t mess me around, Malfoy. I had enough of that at school.`  
  
`Well, of course, you were the Golden Boy, and I was me. What else was I supposed to do?`  
  
`Are you going to get out of my way or am I going to have to curse you?`  
  
`Oh, you won`t have to curse me, Potter. You know, the funny thing is, all I ever wanted was to be able to do whatever I want. Hah! Sounds stupid doesn`t it? That`s why I left school for the Death Eaters. I figured I`d be free from all these rules - rules at school, rules at the Ministry, everyone telling me what I can and can`t do - but instead there`s even more rules.  
  
`And you know something Potter? I can`t get out of this one. There`s no Potter to pick on cos I`m not supposed to. And I can`t leave. Once you`re in, you`re in for life - or at least as long as Voldemort lasts. You`re fighting him, aren`t you Potter? The Golden Boy as always.` He grinned. `Well, I`ll be leaving you now, Potter. I`ve been ORDERED to bring you in, but I have... business elsewhere. Be seein ya, Potter.`  
  
And with a lazy salute he turned away, cloak billowing dramatically (told you so) behind him, and dis-apparated. 


	8. The Beginning or The End?

Okay, tell me in a review if the quotation marks have been replaced by weird symbols, maybe its just the preview... if it isn't I'm complaining!  
  
********************************  
  
Reeling from this unexpected encounter, Harry Potter checked his watch and swore. They would be bringing Voldemort to life in exactly one minute! He started running, tripped over a garbage bin, remembered he could apparate now, and disappeared.  
  
He Apparated, wearing his invisibility cloak, directly above the proceedings in the dungeon where his Nemesis was currently kept in a small glass bottle next to his body-to-be. He quickly whispered 'wingardium leviosa' to keep himself up there and unhooked the vial with the potion.  
  
Meanwhile the Death Eaters, minus Wormtail and Malfoy Junior, were dancing around the patchily sewed together corpse on the altar, chanting. Lucius Malfoy stepped up to the altar carrying Voldemort's bottle.  
  
"Now, Master!" He whispered, removing the cork. A smelly green mist crept out of it and hovered above the altar. As it began to sink into the body, Harry, holding his nose, dropped the vial, which shattered. Blue mist swirled round the room, mixing with the green mist and settling on the Death Eaters and the corpse. Harry pulled out his wand, whispered the sacred words: "sing-song-chantalong", and Disapparated.  
  
He appeared at HQ, where everyone was waiting expectantly.  
  
"Got'em!" He said happily.  
  
"Wonderful," Dumbledore exclaimed, "shall we watch the results?"  
  
He waved his wand and a large white board appeared in front of the door. Bagman, sporting many bandages and a pair of crutches, because Manticore bites are resistant to magical treatment, chose this moment to stumble through the door and bang into the board. However, nobody noticed because a flickering image had been projected onto it from Dumbledore's wand:  
  
*flickering image*  
  
In the dungeon, the confused Death Eaters were stumbling around in the mist, coughing, and wondering what was going on. In fact, the Domino Effect was already taking place, and Crabbe, Goyle and the Lestranges were piled up in a heap on the floor. The Lestranges were getting the worst of it, as Crabbe and Goyle were on top of them.  
  
Amidst all this confusion, there was a creaking noise and the body on the slab sat up. It's eyes glowed red. Silence descended upon the dungeon. The body stood up, and swung off the altar.  
  
Voldemort walked forward a few steps, opened his mouth... and began to sing! 


	9. Theme Song

Voldemort  
  
Without Me  
"Luscious Malfoy, real name no gimmicks" – Lucius Malfoy  
  
[Intro]  
  
Two Death Eater girls go round the outside;  
  
round the outside, round the outside  
  
{*scratches*}  
  
Two Death Eater girls go round the outside;  
  
round the outside, round the outside  
  
{*scratches*}  
  
Guess who's back  
  
Back again  
  
Voldy's back  
  
Tell some men  
  
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back  
  
guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back. Danana!  
  
[Verse One: Voldemort]  
  
I've created a monster, cause nobody wants to see Riddle no more  
  
They want Voldy, I'm real evil (huh?)  
  
Well if you want Voldy, this is what I'll give ya  
  
A little bit of screams mixed with some death eater  
  
Some torture that'll jump start my heart quicker  
  
than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital  
  
by Dumbledore when I'm not co-operating  
  
When I'm killing people while he's operating (hey!!)  
  
You waited this long, now stop debating  
  
Cause I'm back, I'm in the drag and Potter hating  
  
I know that you got a job Ms. Granger  
  
but your father's heart problem's complicating  
  
So the Ministry won't let me be  
  
or let me be me, so let me see  
  
They tried to shut me down in my old body  
  
But it feels so empty, without me  
  
So, come on and dip, wand on your lips  
  
F*** that, spell on your lips, and scar on your head  
  
And get ready, cause this fight's about to get heavy  
  
I just settled all my lawsuits, F*** YOU HARRY!  
  
[Chorus: Voldemort]  
  
Now this looks like a job for me  
  
So everybody, just follow me  
  
Cause we need a little, good old evil  
  
Cause it feels so empty, without me  
  
I said this looks like a job for me  
  
So everybody, just follow me  
  
Cause we need a little, good old evil  
  
Cause it feels so empty, without me  
  
[Verse Two: Voldemort]  
  
Little spells and kids feelin rebellious  
  
Embarrassed their parents still keep house elves  
  
They start feelin like prisoners helpless  
  
'til someone comes along on a mission and yells WITCH!!!  
  
A visionary, vision of scary  
  
Could start a revolution, pollutin Hogwarts is a rebel, so just let me  
revel and bask  
  
in the fact that I got everyone doing what I ask {*scream*}  
  
And it's a disaster, such a catastrophe  
  
for you to see so damn much of my magics and; you asked for me?  
  
Well I'm back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na  
  
{*bzzt*} Fix your bent wand let me tune it in and then I'm gonna  
  
enter in, endin up under your skin like a splinter  
  
The center of attention, back for the winter  
  
I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling  
  
Infesting in your kid's fears and nesting  
  
{*bzzt*} Testing, attention please  
  
Feel the tension, soon as someone mentions me  
  
Here's my ten cents, my two cents is free  
  
A nuisance, who sent? You sent for me?  
  
[Chorus]  
  
[Verse Three: Voldemort]  
  
A-tisket a-tasket, I go tit for tat with  
  
anybody who's talkin this shit, that shit  
  
Albus Dumbledore, you can get your ass kicked  
  
worse than them little Ministry bastards  
  
And Potter? You can get stomped by Malfoy  
  
You twety-six year old baldheaded fag, kill me  
  
You don't know me, you're too old, let go  
  
It's over, nobody listen to you now  
  
Now let's go, just gimme the signal  
  
I'll be there with a whole list full of new curses  
  
I been dead, suspenseful with unicorn blood  
  
ever since Merlin turned himself into a symbol {*knife slices*}  
  
But sometimes the shit just seems  
  
everybody only wants to discuss me  
  
So this must mean I'm dis-gus-ting  
  
But it's just me, I'm just plain mean  
  
No I'm not the first king of supreme evil  
  
I am the worst thing since Salazar Slytherin  
  
to do black magic so selfishly  
  
and used it to get myself wealthy  
  
(Hey!!) There's a concept that works  
  
Twenty million other wizard kids emerge  
  
But no matter how many Dark Lords in the sea  
  
It'll be so empty, without me  
  
[Chorus]  
  
{*Voldemort sings this twice:  
  
"Chem-hie-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la  
  
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la"*}  
  
[Voldemort] Kids! 


	10. The Weirdness Begins!

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. However I do own the random people I know who I have randomly decided to include some of my fanfics! There won't be too many here. Sorry, ignore them if you don't understand.  
  
BBC: why does your review have rnrns in it?  
  
Okay, here we go, here we go, here we go! ...anyway...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
There was an awkward silence as Voldemort attempted to stare at his own mouth. Stepping off the dais He sang:  
  
`My wa-a-and is over the altar! My wa-a-and is right over there! Will so-o- ome-body bring me my old wand! Oh bring back my old wand to meeeeeee!`  
  
Everyone began to feel that something was amiss.  
  
A random underling brought the Dark Lord his wand. Everyone stared at him nervously.  
  
`Lalalalala! It`s going round the dungeon! Lalalalala! Oh help why am I singing? Lalalalala!`  
  
Voldemort shut up.  
  
He put his new hand to his mouth as if checking it was on properly. Evidently it was. He sighed.  
  
'You fools!` He sang. `You promised me a good body, which works properly! Tu est foutu... huh?`  
  
He managed to stop himself as he started to sing `Bring Me To Life` by Evanescence, and screamed `WELL??!!??!!`  
  
The Death Eaters milled around uncertainly. `Resurrection` played inexplicably in the background although there were no musicians in the room.  
  
Bellatrix Lestrange moved forward nervously and started to sing `Don`t Know Why` by Norah Jones, but she sounded so hideous that she was immediately `silenced` by the surrounding Death Eaters.  
  
****************************************  
  
At this point Dumbledore shut off the flickering screen and beamed at the other occupants of the room.  
  
`Well, I think we might all agree that Voldemort is now a much reduced danger?`  
  
Harry coughed and stood up. "Ahem. It's a beautiful day! Don't let it get away ... wha... *cough cough* I mean... I'm feeling funny baby... I mean... Yeeeeek!" He then promptly fainted.  
  
There was another stunned silence. Hermione blinked. "Oh no! He's got some of the charm onto himself! He's singing too!"  
  
::Meanwhile, back in C3...Tash smacked the computer screen in exasperation: "No DUH!!! God you people are dumb!"::  
  
Everyone stared at each other in horror, except for Bagman, who stared at his cast in horror, because ::Nicky:: had written "Look Before You Leap: there's a Manticore out there, numbnuts!" on it. However, if he had heard what was happening through his bandages, he also would have stared at everyone in horror. 


	11. The Weirdness Continues

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. However I do own the fanfic versions of the random people I know who I have randomly decided to include some of my random fanfics! There won't be too many here. Sorry, ignore them if you don't understand.  
  
Well, I haven't updated this for ages - hell, I haven't updated ANYTHING for ages, so here goes!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By the time Harry was revived, Hermione had already brought in several huge books on the subject of musical charms, and one titled "Look Before You Leap: A Guide To Surviving All Life's Little Accidents".  
  
Harry sat up with a start as Ron poured yet another bucket of water on him. "Aaaaah," he screamed, looking about wildly, "What's going on? Why was I singing just then? What happened? Why is the floor covered with water?!!"  
  
Ron grinned sheepishly. "Heh, sorry mate, got a bit carried away there. Hey, you're not singing any more?"  
  
Hermone straightened her glasses. "According to Rufus Bloodley's Horrible Things You can Do With Simple Charms if you get a small dose then it strikes at odd moments - you should get a tingling senstion when you're about to start singing."  
  
"Oh good," Harry said weakly, dripping on the floor, "because I'm getting a tingling sensaaaaaaaaatioooooooon!" He clamped his hands over his mouth, but you could see his lips desperately trying to move.  
  
Everyone blinked at him for a while as he wiggled and made "mmmmph mm mmmph" noises.  
  
"Do you reckon we should do something?" Ron ventured after a while.  
  
"I'm trying, idiot!" Yelled Hermione, feverishly paging through her books.  
  
"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of a strait jacket and a nice padded room. OW!"  
  
"Ahem. If I may intervene" Dumbledore asked politely, before a wildly squirming Harry knocked him out the window.  
  
Everyone crowded to the window in horror, except for Harry, who still had his hands clamped over his mouth and was taking the opportunity to knock over some furniture, and Hermione, who was still searching through "Unlikely Cures For Weird Messes People Make With Badly-Prepared Potions".  
  
"I'm fine," Dumbledore called from below, "I think I'll just go and... um... yeah." And he disapparated with a pop.  
  
"Ooooooooh! Eureka!" Shrieked Hermione, tossing her glasses across the room in excitement.  
  
Ron frowned at her perplexedly. "What towel?"  
  
She grabbed the nearest thing (Bagman's cast) and chucked it at him.  
  
"I have it, you idiot! Oh, sorry Mr Bagman."  
  
"Well, what is it? Quickly, before Harry wrecks the whole building!" Snape snapped, snatching a vase out of the way. "This happens to be may holiday house!"  
  
"Well, it's..." 


	12. The Weirdness Ends for now

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters.  
  
I have faded out the random people I know because they don't read my fanfiction, blah :P.  
  
Thank you to vaderisgod and all the other reviewers who have for some reason or another neglected to review!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"...ande that aye certain colour of lighte shone in the afflicted eyes maye cause this problem to leave, althowe it is aye different colour fore each personalitye type. If this is notte implemented fast enoughe then..."  
  
"Then what?!" Ron panted, having got the struggling Harry into a headlock.  
  
"Um... it says on no account to fight it, because the spell must find an outlet, and it will vent itself in other, possibly more harmful ways.  
  
Everyone looked at Harry, whose face was steadily turning purple, and Ron whose clothes were torn and teeth wobbly.  
  
"Okay, I think we need to find that colour. Harry! Stop struggling!"  
  
However, getting through to Harry proved a tough job and involved some more broken furniture. Snape had by this time fainted.  
  
Eventually they managed to tie him to a chair and prise his hands away from his mouth, which stayed clenched. A vein throbbed in his forehead. Suddenly a surprised looking penguin appeared and began chasing a random chameleon round his head.  
  
They stared at him for a while.  
  
"Well, I assume this is the other outlet." Neville said, eyebrows raised. "How are we getting along with that light, Hermione?"  
  
"I'm getting there, I'm getting there. Here we go. I'll just do a light spell and keep changing the colours, we'll see which one works."  
  
She waved her wand and a green light shone into Harry's eyes.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
Hermione slowly changed the colour from Green to Blue, passing through all the shades of Aquamarine, Greeney blue, Bluey green and Murk.  
  
Nothing continued to happen.  
  
Hermione started on Purple.  
  
The penguin squawked and a blob of white splatted onto Professor Snape's best chair.  
  
The light deepened to Red as the silence deepened to Expectant.  
  
Still Harry clenched his teeth like a maniac.  
  
The light slowly turned Orange.  
  
Professor Snape came to, saw the state of his sitting room and promptly fainted again.  
  
The light turned to Yellow.  
  
Steam began to pour from Harry's ears, quite ruining the enamel lining on the mantelpiece.  
  
In desperation Hermione faded the light back to green, with no results whatsoever.  
  
Everyone groaned.  
  
"I don't understand," Hermione muttered. "I've tried them all. For heavens sake, I even did Lemon Blue! What could it possibly be?!"  
  
Neville coughed quietly. "You, um, haven't tried pink."  
  
Hermione frowned at him and changed the light to Hot Pink. Harry collapsed in his bonds. The chameleon disappeared.  
  
Everyone attempted to avoid each others gaze.  
  
"Harry Potter has a Hot Pink personality type!!" Crowed Rita Skeeter, who had been sitting quietly in a corner with her mouth open. "Ooooooooh, you HAVE to let me publish that in Witch Weekly!!! Pleeeease!!!!"  
  
Hermione gave her a strict look, and Rita sighed and sat back. "When this is over I'm going to be able to write a BOOK about Harry Potter."  
  
"Been there, done that," called J K Rowling, randomly appearing. "That would be mine, thank you!" She scooped up the penguin and disappeared randomly, setting fire to the curtains.  
  
Everyone stayed still for over a minute.  
  
"Ooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.... MOVING right along," said Hermione. "That was weird."  
  
Professor Snape sat up. "Have I missed anything? ....oh [beep]!!!!! What the [beep] have you done to my [beep]ing house?!!!" 


	13. The Weirdness is Discussed

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. I do not own any of the songs mentioned in this story. And just for the record, I don't own Microsoft either.  
  
I have faded out the random people I know because they don't read my fanfiction, blah :P.  
  
This has been temporarily suspended due to exams and all-round general laziness. Thank you and here we go again!  
  
Thank you to all the reviewers who have for some reason or another neglected to review!  
  
Thestrals Spell: I just got annoyed at an anonymous flamer of How To Completely Mangle A Harry Potter Fanfic because I can't tell him to bugger off if he doesn't get my jokes. Easier all round if I don't accept the things! I'm glad you like the chameleon, it's sort of my trademark! I like to put one in wherever it'll fit. I like chameleons. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Once they calmed Snape down and woke Harry up, the unanimous consensus was that this sitting room was far too damp and sooty and the meeting ought to be adjourned to the kitchen. Once there, food was distributed.  
  
"So what are we going to do now?" Harry asked as Ron stuffed his face.  
  
"Well," said Hermione, "I think we ought to call a full meeting. We haven't had most of the teachers here since we decided on our plan of action, nor the Aurors or most of the journalists, who probably should publicize Voldemort's arrival (again)."  
  
Everyone made small noises of approval, except for Ron, who made small noises of eating like a pig.  
  
"Right, oh and the removal of the charm may not be perfect so I'd like everyone to practice the light spell - be sure it's the exact shade of hot pink that I used.  
  
Harry blushed. Ron sniggered, spraying everyone with half-digested cheese, and then got back to stuffing his face like a pig.  
  
"Okay!" Hermione cried, standing up briskly. "Ron, go fetch everyone."  
  
"Mmmmmmmmmph?"  
  
************************************************  
  
Soon the whole group was gathered in Professor Snape's Holiday House.  
  
"So...," Said Dumbledore, "What have you got to report since we last saw you?"  
  
Everybody looked sheepish.  
  
"Um," said Hermione, "Well, you all know of Harry's little rebound spell, um, we've figured out that to cure it you have to shine a Hot Pink light into Harry's eyes, and meanwhile Harry should sing and not try to fight it because that produces... side effects."  
  
There was a snore from the direction of professor Battye.  
  
Hermione sighed. "Will someone... actually, just tell him when he wakes up. It would be a pity to bother him."  
  
Suddenl Harry's face started turning red. He made small choking sounds.  
  
Then Hermione shrieked "No! Don't fight it Harry, remember the chameleon!"  
  
So he opened his mouth and sang:  
  
"I will never bother you  
  
I will never promise to  
  
I will never follow you  
  
I will never bother you  
  
Oh god that was weird."  
  
Everyone sat in silence for a while.  
  
"Well," said Professor McGonnagall eventually, "It doesn't seem to last very long, does it? Was that Nirvana?"  
  
Everyone stared at Professor McGonnagall.  
  
"What?" She asked defensively.  
  
"Ummm... nothing..."  
  
"Well," said Rita Skeeter, standing up, "I suppose we'll have to publish the fact that Voldemort and the Death Eaters can now be recognized by loud singing in the distance or the appearance of random chameleons... erm... I suppose you'll want me to omit Harry's ...affliction?"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"Okay..." 


	14. The Weirdness Moves to Paris

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing I tell you! Ahahahaha!  
  
This has been temporarily suspended due to exams, holidays and all-round general laziness. Thank you and here we go again!  
  
LadyMAPaBe: Thank you, yes, this is really old. Will try to update more often.  
  
tor-and-fenris: STOP FOLLOWING ME!!! Of Course I made it up, this is fanfiction. And OF COURSE it's funny, THIS IS HUMOUR FANFICTION! AND OF COURSE IT'S JK ROWLING THIS IS HARRY POTTER FANFICTION!!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!! REVIEW ONLY THE LAST CHAPTER!!! STOP freaking FOLLOWING ME!!! I can't explain the nirvana though, that was a coincidence. No, seriously, it was.  
  
Thank you to all the reviewers who have for some reason or another neglected to review! ...although in this case it is probably because I haven't updated for so long... er... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hermione found Harry sitting by a window with his head in his hands. She put a sympathetic arm around his shoulders.  
  
"Don't worry Harry, we'll sort it all out."  
  
"I don't want to do this anymore!" Harry cried. "People dying and that, it hurts, but this is just plain ridiculous!"  
  
"It's all right Harry! We'll get through this."  
  
"How? How can I fight Voldemort if I keep spouting random chameleons all the time???"  
  
"It's alright, Harry. Perhaps he'll die laughing."  
  
He gave her a dirty look.  
  
"Sorry. But you have to admit it's funny. Look, Harry, Voldemort has the FULL charm on him. He can't speak unless he sings! You have some advantage over him. Please, don't give up."  
  
Harry suddenly grinned. "Who said anything about giving up?!"  
  
"Wha-"  
  
"You'll see." And with that, mysteriously, and really annoyingly, he left.  
  
*********************  
  
The next morning they set off for Paris. Harry could not rationally explain this decision, but they all pretended that it was because it was such a musical place. Little did they know what awaited them...  
  
**********************  
  
Meanwhile, back at HQ- ...uh I mean Voldemort's evil, evil, dark, evil, gloomy, evil, black, evil, wretched, evil little apartment in an unspecified capital that smelled of onions which the Death Eaters were really getting sick of...  
  
"We think it's world world world world world, domination, We can't get it right, still we carry on We think it's world world world world world, domination, We've been going on, for too long!" Chorused the Death eaters.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU mmmph mmmph mmph!" Said Voldemort, trying not to start singing again. He suddenly fell catatonic on the floor and was buried in ultraviolets.  
  
Bellatrix sighed. "We're never going to get them like this! It's ridiculous!" She was quickly shushed in case Voldemort heard her through the flowers, which were glowing radioactively and had now sprouted very strange-looking fungi.  
  
Suddenly Wormtail came rushing in. "My Lord, my lord! HARRY Potter's comiiiiing! To town! ...um." He blinked. "Where's the master? And what are those little orangey-purple dragons doing on that pile of decaying flowers? Oooh! Pretty!" He reached out to touch one, and was zapped an electric shock. He glowed blue for a minute and then collapsed.  
  
**********************  
  
Dumbledore flicked his wand and the projection disappeared off the wall. "Yes," he said to the rest of the faculty. "I think Harry and his friends will be quite all right in Paris. ...and somebody wake up Professor Battye please." 


End file.
